Lost love or never to have loved?

They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I say bullshit. This phrase must have been said by some asshole who had never fallen in love. Because if you have loved and lost, and if you are still standing strong, you are pulling every muscle, each atom in your body to do that. And the pain is excruciating. And as for never to have loved, you never miss something you've never had... so stop cribbing, because you dont know what it feels to be at the end of a road where someone left you standing with a promise of coming back but never returned.

And what's with moving on? You got your heart broken, didn't drop ice cream on the floor that you can go get a new one and JUST move on. So to hell will people who keep telling you that you should move on and find someone new. Because it's practically impossible to be with someone else after you've had your heart broken into a million tiny pieces. And yes, people who tell you that moving on is not that big of a deal, haven't really ever fallen in love. They are familiar with the idea of love. Because if they knew what true love is, they'd know how scary it is to go back into the world of piranhas with your vulnerable self. How scary it is to open up to someone new and to work on a relationship from scratch. What if this too doesn't work out? What if you get your heart broken again? Yes, I know that there are chances that you might not get your heart broken or might meet your soul-mate  but seriously, what are the odds of that happening  And no matter how strong you are, you may never love another with the same unbroken heart and the same intensity as you did the first time. A heart break changes you. You are never the same person and the love is never the same.

I respect people who have carried on with their lives after being shattered completely. I have done it too. And I know what it takes to cry yourself to sleep every night, face down on the pillow so that no one hears you crying and what it takes to wake up every morning pretending that everything is fine and you didn't cry last night. They say that the people who smile the most are the saddest people on earth. They dont pretend or smile to forget their pain, they do it because they cannot see anyone else being burdened with the same pain as their. They dont wish it on anyone else because they know what it feels to get your heart ripped out directly from your chest while it is still beating as you stare down at it as it dies slowly.

When you love someone and when you have been together for long, it's quite difficult to imagine a life without them. What happens when one day the person comes and tells you that they are not in love with you anymore. All the years you spent together was just a phase and they want to break off everything. And what happens when you hear from someone that they are with someone else. It makes you question everything you did, everything that was and everything you were to them. You can't help but blame yourself because when you see them with someone else, the first thing that comes to mind is that they didn't love YOU. And no matter how much they meant to you and no matter what you did, it wasn't enough.

Been there...done that. And it's all nothing but a huge pile of crap. Why the freak should you feel bad about yourself because some asshole didn't have it in him to commit to a serious relationship? Why the hell should you blame yourself when the asshole wasn't man enough to take decisions and just dumped you when it was time to get serious? And do you seriously think that the asshole is going to stay happy in his life with whosoever pitiful girl falls for his trap? Nay... I dont think so.

The universe works in mysterious ways. Ways you may never understand. But one thing for sure is that what goes around, is sure to come around. The person who hurt you will pay ten times his share, because that's how things work. It will be your stupidity to never trust anyone again because you had the misfortune of stumbling into one jerk. This does not prove that you may never find a decent guy. Perfect love stories do exist. It just happens in the right time and with the right person.

But that doesn't mean that you need to wait for a big gesture to fall in love. Big gestures DOES NOT guarantee happy endings. And let's face it, movies and TV shows have completely screwed the concept of love. Girl's have high expectation of being swooped off their feet while guys just want to get laid. There ARE no fairy tale stories where you meet accidentally, lock eyes for 2 seconds before the girl is about to trip and the boy catches her and they stare at each other for a decade. BULLSHIT. In real life, the girl falls down and an old lady comes to her aid. So give up on the concept of a perfect love story. Coz there isn't one. Moreover, if you want to live someone else's love story, you are undoubtedly the stupidest person alive on earth.

Anyways, moving forward, the question arises as to when should one move on. Honestly, there is no fixed time to move one. I cant label people, giving them a voucher for moving on with a validity of 15 days or a month. For some it's a couple of weeks, for some it's a couple of months, while unfortunately for me, it's a couple of years at least. It takes time and all your strength to believe in yourself and start all over again because of the dependency developed over the period of togetherness. And it will take more strength than that to give someone new a chance with love. This is where your past experience comes in handy. This is where you can take decisions without being impulsive. So take your time, there's no hurry.

A bad breakup leads you into the journey of self discovery. You do things you wouldn't normally do. In fact, you do everything to keep your mind from thinking about them. And in the process, you transform into a new self... which isn't all that bad to be honest. So sit straight, chin up, look down upon the world and be yourself with and attitude that you can conquer the world. Which you can if you dont fall for this love shit. As for me, I know I will be just fine and the asshole will burn in the seven circles of hell over and over again. Will be fun to watch though ;)

So if I have to choose between lost love and never to have loved, I will, without any doubt, time and again choose Never to have loved. But I know, I too will have a happy ending some day :)

Changed ...the way I should never have!

It's true. People do change. I, for one, am sure of that. Not only because I saw people change, but also because I changed. A lot. More than i ever thought, more than I ever imagined.

Life is not like you plan it would be. It has a mind of its own. Although I never had anything planned for what I would do or what I would be, I know I would never have become the person I am, if I had any idea of what all was at stake and what all i would lose in the process.

When I had moved to out of my hometown for my graduation, i was this shy, naive girl who had no idea of what the world was like. Because i had never been out of the comforting shell of my friends and family. With time, i learned the hardships of life. I learned that people are not always what they seem to be. I learned that they will use you to their advantage and disregard you once done. Few people can never be called friends because they are not and will never be anything more that acquaintances. Life loves to throw tantrums at you to watch you fall flat on your face again and again, and the only thing you can do is to get back up each and every time. I learned that this world is not a place for quitters. The competition is cut-throat and if you can't fight back, you can't survive. I have learned that you make only a few friends for life who stay with you through thick and thin. I have learned that no matter how much you want to enjoy, there comes a time where you have to work hard. There will always be someone or the other who will hurt you and shatter your heart into pieces. I have learned that you don't always get what you wish for because some things are not in your control.

These are just a fraction of things i have learned. Tell me, how does one go through all these events and still remain the same person? Every events came as a lesson to me. It made me independent and it made me trust others less.

I thought I had experienced everything there is. What else could there be that would knock me off my feet? If only i had known how delusional i was.

I started my professional career. I was working for a great company and was living an independent life in a new city. I really thought i had it all this time. But my lessons were not enough for me to face the ruthless corporate world. Here, i learned that people only pretend to be your friend. They only pretend to care about you because they want some work done out of you. If you are not smart, the people will eat you up and you will end up in the exact same position, no matter how hard you work. If you do not know how to be diplomatic, you can forget about promotions and increments. It taught me that in order to succeed, you need not work, but you need to know how to get work done by others. It taught me that there was no place for a nice and thoughtful person in this domain. Only heartless, fierce people won the race here.

So there I was, learning the different aspects of life, alone in a new city, all by myself, with no one to trust or to look up to for guidance. When you are faced with a situation such as this, you can either hide in a cave, afraid to come out or you can change yourself to match up the fast pace of the world. This is what i did. I changed. I became indifferent, fierce and bothered less and less about anyone and everyone but myself. But in the process, i forgot what it meant to actually care for others and to selflessly do someone a favor out of the goodness of my heart. The city had changed me so much that i had turned from a compassionate person into someone who was selfish and only thought about herself. I wanted to be independent, but i had gone so far down that road that i had actually left everyone behind. In the process, i hurt a lot of people. I became disconnected with everyone and did not have a care in the world about anyone else.

To me, my life was the most important thing. I did not bother about those, whose lives were interconnected with mine. I did not understand this until it was very late. No matter how strong a relationship is, there is only so much it can stand. And once that limit is crossed, there is no saying how much of it will come back.

There comes a point in your life when you think all is lost. Nothing seems to happen your way and it feels like your life has been sucked out of you. One thought keeps pestering you. One little voice keeps telling you that it was your fault. That was my wake up call. That voice made me realize that i had hurt the most precious people in my life. I knew an apology wouldn't be enough, but that was all i could offer. I apologized for all the hurt my words and my behavior had caused. That is what i honestly and truly had to give.

Trust me, if i could go back and stop myself from changing, i would. But better late than never. Life changes you because of what it throws at you. But i have also learned that you can transition for good, or transition for bad. Some of my choices were wrong, while some were right. The best thing about my wrong decisions was that I now know what not to do. :)

The World We Live In

The reality we all live in is just an illusion of the world we want around us. The reality of life is not what is taught to us in schools and colleges in a classroom with tables and chairs and teachers who are older than the ancient scriptures. The reality hits you when you stand in the middle of a deserted crossroad at 1 in the morning, have nowhere to go, no one to trust and nothing to eat.

We live in a world where superheroes are defined by fictitious figures like Superman, Spiderman, Batman etc. but no one bothers about the thousands of soldiers who go to war so that you can get a sound sleep at night.

Our mode of entertainment are video games, telephone conversations, social media channels but we forget, every second we spend on these channels, pulls us far from someone, somewhere out there.

Gradually, we forget birthdays, don’t return calls or messages, a conversation once a week turns into once a month, then into once in 6 months and before you realize, it’s been years since you’ve last been in touch. You end up falling apart. People, who you were ready to die for a couple of years ago, become strangers. People you used to stay up with, talking all night, become acquaintances. Things change, priorities change. But should they?

The luckiest people on this earth are the ones who make friends for life. Who don’t let things like fights, misunderstandings; shifting cities or even countries, etc. come in between them.

We live in a world that teaches us that it’s okay to be on your own, because you are independent. But being on your own is different from being a loner. Most of us, who follow this concept, end up becoming the latter.

The influence of media is so huge on us that whatever it portrays, we believe. We believe all the lies and fallacies it presents. Is commercialization the only source of sales? What happened to the times when media and people actually cared? And I don’t blame just the media. The fault is equally our. We would any day prefer reading a gossip over knowing what the government is doing to us and our country.

Gone are the days when you as a person were defined by what you had done for others. Now, you are defined by the number of digits in your salary. You are defined by what car you drive, what brands you wear and where you eat and hangout.

We keep on cursing the government for the road that got destroyed during the monsoon, for the traffic jams we face daily, for the increase in the cost of living. We curse and curse and that is all we do. But none of us want to actually even try and change it.

We live in the times where we don’t want to work for anything, because we were fortunate enough to be born in a well to do family. Had the best education, got the best food to eat and the best clothes to wear. Yet we get upset and mad when McDonalds forgets to add mayonnaise to our burger, when our favorite dress goes out of stock, when we dirty our shoes in the rain. What about those even less fortunate ones who don't get even a single meal a day? Who have no clothes to wear, no place to live and no shoes to walk? Do you think they will be upset with the things that makes us upset?

I don’t think so. I think they will be happy with just what they get because that might be the best thing to ever happen to them. Next time you get upset thinking about how you dint get the fries with the burger or less cheese on the pizza, remember that someone somewhere is sleeping hungry because they have no food to eat.

Nobody asks you to give everything up for others and start living like a saint, but all I ask of you is to be satisfied with what you have, thinking that people less fortunate are happier with whatever they have and what they don’t have.

When you start being satisfied with what you have, you will understand what the world actually stands for. Things like humanity, bravery, sacrifice are dead in today’s world. All we keep thinking about is US. We come before anyone else. Our needs first, our comfort first. And then we are surprised when people call us selfish and stuck-up.

What we need to do, is wake up and realize that the world we live in is not the one it’s supposed to be. It needs to be more inspirational. It needs to be a place that allows people to grow. It needs to be a place that inspires people to do things that will bring everyone together.

We need a reason to come together, but that reason seems far beyond any possibilities. All we can do until then is do our little parts that we have been assigned and try to bring about a change in the world. Before you go thinking that your deed might be so small that it may not be important enough to impact the world, remember that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. So go play your part and play it well. Be the best you can be and offer the best you can offer.

The way I love you...

I have been asking myself this question a lot,

I have been wondering about this for quite a while,

But there seems to be no reasoning answer to

Find a reason why I love you the way I do.

Is it the sparkle in your eyes or the calm in your voice?

The softness of your touch that makes me want you so much,

The way you smile or your kiss on my lips,

Is it the power of your stare or the strength that you wear?

Is it the smell of your perfume or the warmth of your skin?

Your breath on my neck or our feet curled up within,

The connection of our thoughts or our spiritual intellect,

Is it the way you understand me or read what’s on my mind?

Is it the way you are always there for me,

Or the way you always care?

Is it the way you always stand by me,

No matter what I say?

Is it the way you motivate me,

And give me a new direction to see?

Is it the way you believe in me,

And guide me wherever I may be?

Is it the way you love me so much,

Or is it because you are all mine?

Is it the way you make my life a dream,

That seems beautiful and divine?

I may find a million reasons why I love you,

But the list won’t seem to end,

I love the thought of loving you,

And the reason I love you is YOU!

Since the day...

Walking along the excruciating paths of loneliness,

Swept away by the aggressive waves of suffering,

Life just does not seem worth living,

Since the day you left me all alone.

Waiting for a light to be showered upon me,

Looking for a sign to realize the purpose of life,

I stand there still, deprived of all feelings,

Since the time you said goodbye.

Trying to figure out the game destiny plays,

Figuring out the witticism of fate,

I lay there numb, wanting to wake again,

Since the time you parted our ways.

Fighting to break the shell all over me,

Craving to breathe, with arms wide open,

Nothing prevents me from drowning in the water of hatred,

Since you said I wasn’t what you wanted.

Fighting with my own unseen shadow,

Struggling with my unexpressed thoughts,

I have been reaching out to someone to guide me through,

Since the day you broke my heart.

Wondering if I will ever feel your touch again,

Asking myself, if I’ll ever breathe your love once more,

I am uncertain if I’ll ever be alive again,

Since the day you shattered me into pieces.

Wishing if time could turn back for just once,

Hoping to take back both our wrong doings,

I have been entreating to get one more chance,

Since the day you said we weren’t meant to be.

Something seemed to have died within me,

It feels like something is missing inside,

But I know that my love has only grown for you,

Since the day I realized you were no more by my side.

Have You Ever Been Loved by Someone?

Have you ever been loved by someone?

Someone who adores you from the bottom of his heart?

Have you ever cared for someone?

Someone who you think will always be your part?

Have you ever known what it feels like,

To have someone close to you day and night?

Have you ever had the feeling that he,

Is the one when you see his first sight?

Have you ever got so close to him

That all the other things seemed too far?

Have you ever been gently kissed on your lips,

That your life seems to be one among the stars.

Have you ever looked into his eyes,

To search for the place you occupy in him?

Has he ever caressed you with love,

That you feel that nothing is like what it seems?

Have you ever held him tightly in your arms,

And told him how much he means to you?

Has he ever looked back into your eyes,

And told you that he loves you too?

Have you ever known what it feels like to be in love?

Have you ever known what it feels like to be the most important person in someone's life?

Have you ever known what it feels like to love someone from the bottom of your heart?

Have you ever been truly and deeply in love?

The end where I begin...

“This wasn’t supposed to happen”, he said.

She held his hand tightly and replied with a smile, “but it did. That’s all that matters”

He looked up and could see that her eyes were red and puffy with crying all night. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to save her. He wanted to save them. But there was nothing that he could do. He had made up his mind.

She asked him once again, “Are you sure about this?”

He replied without giving it any thought, “Yes. We can’t be together. Not now, not ever”

She wanted to scream at the top of her voice and cry out loud. ‘How could this be happening?’ she thought.

She had given him everything he wanted, everything she had. Her love, her time, her 4 years. She had nothing else to offer that would want him to stay with her and hold her in his arms for ever. There was nothing she could do to make him stay.

She looked at her watch; it was 5 in the evening. He would leave in an hour to catch his flight. They had met after a year. The job he’d taken up a year ago allowed him to travel a lot and he was never at one place for more than a month. Over the year, things had changed more than she had expected. In some very strange way, she had gotten used to the idea of him always being away from her. This had made her stronger and independent and having him near her didn’t make much of a difference anymore.

A year back, on this very day, he had announced to her that they did not have any future together. He said that they would not be happy with each other and thing would just get miserable over the years. But she had been persistent. She believed that love would conquer all and would win over all the little fights and arguments they keep having. Now, she wasn’t so sure.

She wanted to break the awkward silence between them as he seemed lost in thoughts. She asked, “Do you have the tickets with you?”

He checked his pocket and replied, “Yeah, its right here with me”

She asked, “How long before you come back?”

“I’m not sure. Could be six months, a year or maybe even two” he replied.

She looked disappointed. The thought of not seeing him again for a year or two was killing her from the inside. But she held her calm and replied with a smile, “That’s good. Your career’s finally setting off. I’m happy for you”

He smiled back and said, “Thanks”

This shattered her even more and she thought ‘Thanks? How could things get so worse that they had to be formal in front of each other?’

She knew the clock was ticking and they had only a little time left with each other.

Somehow she thought that she was the only one continuing the relationship and was the only one who was affected by the separation. Maybe she was right. Maybe he didn’t care much. Maybe it doesn’t matter to him. Maybe, it never did.

She looked at her watch again, it was half past five. Her heart began to sink. With a heavy heart she said, “I think its time for you to go now. Otherwise you will miss your flight”

He too looked at the watch and realized that maybe this was the last time they would be seeing each other. Last time they would be talking as a couple. Because God knows that he had made up his mind about breaking the news of the breakup to her as soon as he landed. But he decided against it. And now was the time to do it he thought.

He said, “Baby, you know why I’m doing this. No one will benefit from this relationship. We won’t last with each other. The relationship will erode with time. I have no choice. You know it very well that we can’t think of a future together. But I promise you this, I will always love you coz I’ve never loved anyone else. I love you now and I will love you forever”

She thought, ‘but you don’t love me enough to spend the rest of your life with me’

He continued, “I don’t know what else to say to you, but I can tell you this, until either of us finds someone suitable enough to get married to, we can continue the relationship we have. But one of us will have to back off when the other person is ready to settle down”

Suddenly she realized something. She understood that he wants the relationship just for the sake of it. He was as much addicted to her as she was to him. And he couldn't let go of a habit so abruptly. He would happily get married to some other random girl and it wouldn't affect him, but she would be the one who will end up being shattered. She knew it was time to make a decision.

She smiled at him and said, “You are right. We should continue the relationship for YOUR benefit, because YOU say so and because YOU don’t or never thought about me. If you would've thought about my well being  then you would have just broken up with me. Instead, you are looking for a temporary solution to your problems until something permanent comes your way.”

He was looking at her with a shocked expression on his face, unaware of what was happening. He thought the solution would be mutually beneficial, but things were taking an unexpected turn here.

She continued, “I don’t regret the four years I spent with you, they were undeniably the best four years of my life. I have tried really hard to sustain this relationship. But there is only so much I can do. I have loved you with all my heart and now I am leaving you. I gave you all I had and I would give you more if I could. I actually DID love you. But its time I let you go from my life.”

With these final words, she stood up and walked out of the door, never looking back to what she had left behind....

THE END