Lost love or never to have loved?

They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I say bullshit. This phrase must have been said by some asshole who had never fallen in love. Because if you have loved and lost, and if you are still standing strong, you are pulling every muscle, each atom in your body to do that. And the pain is excruciating. And as for never to have loved, you never miss something you've never had... so stop cribbing, because you dont know what it feels to be at the end of a road where someone left you standing with a promise of coming back but never returned.

And what's with moving on? You got your heart broken, didn't drop ice cream on the floor that you can go get a new one and JUST move on. So to hell will people who keep telling you that you should move on and find someone new. Because it's practically impossible to be with someone else after you've had your heart broken into a million tiny pieces. And yes, people who tell you that moving on is not that big of a deal, haven't really ever fallen in love. They are familiar with the idea of love. Because if they knew what true love is, they'd know how scary it is to go back into the world of piranhas with your vulnerable self. How scary it is to open up to someone new and to work on a relationship from scratch. What if this too doesn't work out? What if you get your heart broken again? Yes, I know that there are chances that you might not get your heart broken or might meet your soul-mate  but seriously, what are the odds of that happening  And no matter how strong you are, you may never love another with the same unbroken heart and the same intensity as you did the first time. A heart break changes you. You are never the same person and the love is never the same.

I respect people who have carried on with their lives after being shattered completely. I have done it too. And I know what it takes to cry yourself to sleep every night, face down on the pillow so that no one hears you crying and what it takes to wake up every morning pretending that everything is fine and you didn't cry last night. They say that the people who smile the most are the saddest people on earth. They dont pretend or smile to forget their pain, they do it because they cannot see anyone else being burdened with the same pain as their. They dont wish it on anyone else because they know what it feels to get your heart ripped out directly from your chest while it is still beating as you stare down at it as it dies slowly.

When you love someone and when you have been together for long, it's quite difficult to imagine a life without them. What happens when one day the person comes and tells you that they are not in love with you anymore. All the years you spent together was just a phase and they want to break off everything. And what happens when you hear from someone that they are with someone else. It makes you question everything you did, everything that was and everything you were to them. You can't help but blame yourself because when you see them with someone else, the first thing that comes to mind is that they didn't love YOU. And no matter how much they meant to you and no matter what you did, it wasn't enough.

Been there...done that. And it's all nothing but a huge pile of crap. Why the freak should you feel bad about yourself because some asshole didn't have it in him to commit to a serious relationship? Why the hell should you blame yourself when the asshole wasn't man enough to take decisions and just dumped you when it was time to get serious? And do you seriously think that the asshole is going to stay happy in his life with whosoever pitiful girl falls for his trap? Nay... I dont think so.

The universe works in mysterious ways. Ways you may never understand. But one thing for sure is that what goes around, is sure to come around. The person who hurt you will pay ten times his share, because that's how things work. It will be your stupidity to never trust anyone again because you had the misfortune of stumbling into one jerk. This does not prove that you may never find a decent guy. Perfect love stories do exist. It just happens in the right time and with the right person.

But that doesn't mean that you need to wait for a big gesture to fall in love. Big gestures DOES NOT guarantee happy endings. And let's face it, movies and TV shows have completely screwed the concept of love. Girl's have high expectation of being swooped off their feet while guys just want to get laid. There ARE no fairy tale stories where you meet accidentally, lock eyes for 2 seconds before the girl is about to trip and the boy catches her and they stare at each other for a decade. BULLSHIT. In real life, the girl falls down and an old lady comes to her aid. So give up on the concept of a perfect love story. Coz there isn't one. Moreover, if you want to live someone else's love story, you are undoubtedly the stupidest person alive on earth.

Anyways, moving forward, the question arises as to when should one move on. Honestly, there is no fixed time to move one. I cant label people, giving them a voucher for moving on with a validity of 15 days or a month. For some it's a couple of weeks, for some it's a couple of months, while unfortunately for me, it's a couple of years at least. It takes time and all your strength to believe in yourself and start all over again because of the dependency developed over the period of togetherness. And it will take more strength than that to give someone new a chance with love. This is where your past experience comes in handy. This is where you can take decisions without being impulsive. So take your time, there's no hurry.

A bad breakup leads you into the journey of self discovery. You do things you wouldn't normally do. In fact, you do everything to keep your mind from thinking about them. And in the process, you transform into a new self... which isn't all that bad to be honest. So sit straight, chin up, look down upon the world and be yourself with and attitude that you can conquer the world. Which you can if you dont fall for this love shit. As for me, I know I will be just fine and the asshole will burn in the seven circles of hell over and over again. Will be fun to watch though ;)

So if I have to choose between lost love and never to have loved, I will, without any doubt, time and again choose Never to have loved. But I know, I too will have a happy ending some day :)

Changed ...the way I should never have!

It's true. People do change. I, for one, am sure of that. Not only because I saw people change, but also because I changed. A lot. More than i ever thought, more than I ever imagined.

Life is not like you plan it would be. It has a mind of its own. Although I never had anything planned for what I would do or what I would be, I know I would never have become the person I am, if I had any idea of what all was at stake and what all i would lose in the process.

When I had moved to out of my hometown for my graduation, i was this shy, naive girl who had no idea of what the world was like. Because i had never been out of the comforting shell of my friends and family. With time, i learned the hardships of life. I learned that people are not always what they seem to be. I learned that they will use you to their advantage and disregard you once done. Few people can never be called friends because they are not and will never be anything more that acquaintances. Life loves to throw tantrums at you to watch you fall flat on your face again and again, and the only thing you can do is to get back up each and every time. I learned that this world is not a place for quitters. The competition is cut-throat and if you can't fight back, you can't survive. I have learned that you make only a few friends for life who stay with you through thick and thin. I have learned that no matter how much you want to enjoy, there comes a time where you have to work hard. There will always be someone or the other who will hurt you and shatter your heart into pieces. I have learned that you don't always get what you wish for because some things are not in your control.

These are just a fraction of things i have learned. Tell me, how does one go through all these events and still remain the same person? Every events came as a lesson to me. It made me independent and it made me trust others less.

I thought I had experienced everything there is. What else could there be that would knock me off my feet? If only i had known how delusional i was.

I started my professional career. I was working for a great company and was living an independent life in a new city. I really thought i had it all this time. But my lessons were not enough for me to face the ruthless corporate world. Here, i learned that people only pretend to be your friend. They only pretend to care about you because they want some work done out of you. If you are not smart, the people will eat you up and you will end up in the exact same position, no matter how hard you work. If you do not know how to be diplomatic, you can forget about promotions and increments. It taught me that in order to succeed, you need not work, but you need to know how to get work done by others. It taught me that there was no place for a nice and thoughtful person in this domain. Only heartless, fierce people won the race here.

So there I was, learning the different aspects of life, alone in a new city, all by myself, with no one to trust or to look up to for guidance. When you are faced with a situation such as this, you can either hide in a cave, afraid to come out or you can change yourself to match up the fast pace of the world. This is what i did. I changed. I became indifferent, fierce and bothered less and less about anyone and everyone but myself. But in the process, i forgot what it meant to actually care for others and to selflessly do someone a favor out of the goodness of my heart. The city had changed me so much that i had turned from a compassionate person into someone who was selfish and only thought about herself. I wanted to be independent, but i had gone so far down that road that i had actually left everyone behind. In the process, i hurt a lot of people. I became disconnected with everyone and did not have a care in the world about anyone else.

To me, my life was the most important thing. I did not bother about those, whose lives were interconnected with mine. I did not understand this until it was very late. No matter how strong a relationship is, there is only so much it can stand. And once that limit is crossed, there is no saying how much of it will come back.

There comes a point in your life when you think all is lost. Nothing seems to happen your way and it feels like your life has been sucked out of you. One thought keeps pestering you. One little voice keeps telling you that it was your fault. That was my wake up call. That voice made me realize that i had hurt the most precious people in my life. I knew an apology wouldn't be enough, but that was all i could offer. I apologized for all the hurt my words and my behavior had caused. That is what i honestly and truly had to give.

Trust me, if i could go back and stop myself from changing, i would. But better late than never. Life changes you because of what it throws at you. But i have also learned that you can transition for good, or transition for bad. Some of my choices were wrong, while some were right. The best thing about my wrong decisions was that I now know what not to do. :)