Life is not like you plan it would be. It has a mind of its own. Although I never had anything planned for what I would do or what I would be, I know I would never have become the person I am, if I had any idea of what all was at stake and what all i would lose in the process.
When I had moved to out of my hometown for my graduation, i was this shy, naive girl who had no idea of what the world was like. Because i had never been out of the comforting shell of my friends and family. With time, i learned the hardships of life. I learned that people are not always what they seem to be. I learned that they will use you to their advantage and disregard you once done. Few people can never be called friends because they are not and will never be anything more that acquaintances. Life loves to throw tantrums at you to watch you fall flat on your face again and again, and the only thing you can do is to get back up each and every time. I learned that this world is not a place for quitters. The competition is cut-throat and if you can't fight back, you can't survive. I have learned that you make only a few friends for life who stay with you through thick and thin. I have learned that no matter how much you want to enjoy, there comes a time where you have to work hard. There will always be someone or the other who will hurt you and shatter your heart into pieces. I have learned that you don't always get what you wish for because some things are not in your control.
These are just a fraction of things i have learned. Tell me, how does one go through all these events and still remain the same person? Every events came as a lesson to me. It made me independent and it made me trust others less.
I thought I had experienced everything there is. What else could there be that would knock me off my feet? If only i had known how delusional i was.
I started my professional career. I was working for a great company and was living an independent life in a new city. I really thought i had it all this time. But my lessons were not enough for me to face the ruthless corporate world. Here, i learned that people only pretend to be your friend. They only pretend to care about you because they want some work done out of you. If you are not smart, the people will eat you up and you will end up in the exact same position, no matter how hard you work. If you do not know how to be diplomatic, you can forget about promotions and increments. It taught me that in order to succeed, you need not work, but you need to know how to get work done by others. It taught me that there was no place for a nice and thoughtful person in this domain. Only heartless, fierce people won the race here.
So there I was, learning the different aspects of life, alone in a new city, all by myself, with no one to trust or to look up to for guidance. When you are faced with a situation such as this, you can either hide in a cave, afraid to come out or you can change yourself to match up the fast pace of the world. This is what i did. I changed. I became indifferent, fierce and bothered less and less about anyone and everyone but myself. But in the process, i forgot what it meant to actually care for others and to selflessly do someone a favor out of the goodness of my heart. The city had changed me so much that i had turned from a compassionate person into someone who was selfish and only thought about herself. I wanted to be independent, but i had gone so far down that road that i had actually left everyone behind. In the process, i hurt a lot of people. I became disconnected with everyone and did not have a care in the world about anyone else.
To me, my life was the most important thing. I did not bother about those, whose lives were interconnected with mine. I did not understand this until it was very late. No matter how strong a relationship is, there is only so much it can stand. And once that limit is crossed, there is no saying how much of it will come back.
There comes a point in your life when you think all is lost. Nothing seems to happen your way and it feels like your life has been sucked out of you. One thought keeps pestering you. One little voice keeps telling you that it was your fault. That was my wake up call. That voice made me realize that i had hurt the most precious people in my life. I knew an apology wouldn't be enough, but that was all i could offer. I apologized for all the hurt my words and my behavior had caused. That is what i honestly and truly had to give.
Trust me, if i could go back and stop myself from changing, i would. But better late than never. Life changes you because of what it throws at you. But i have also learned that you can transition for good, or transition for bad. Some of my choices were wrong, while some were right. The best thing about my wrong decisions was that I now know what not to do. :)
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